Did You Ever
by Azure K Mello
Summary: Post Destiny, Spike asks Angel a question during his last night on earth. Slash


Title: Did You Ever  
  
Writer: Az K Mello  
  
Spoilers: Destiny  
  
Distribution: take but ask first  
  
Warning: angst  
  
So a big box of light gave me form, let me touch him, let me drink. Which basically brings us to the point in the night wherein I stumbled up the stairs to Angel's apartment. Why didn't I take the elevator? Didn't think of it, after all I was very drunk and rather single minded. I stumbled into his room and fell on to the bed. It sagged under my newly found corporeal weight. He pushed himself up on his elbows to look at me.  
  
"I thought I made it clear that you stayed out of my bedroom!" he shouted and I smirked sadly.  
  
"Don't worry, mate, I'll be gone in a mo and you won't ever see me again. I have a question and then I'm done. I'm out, I fold, I give in to the inevitable. Just a simple question, not wordy, should even be able to get through your Neanderthal brow and make it to your head."  
  
"You're drunk."  
  
"Who incisive of you to notice, no wonder you run such an excellent law firm."  
  
"Why don't you go to sleep?"  
  
"You never gave me a room."  
  
"Why don't you get an apartment? Or I know! Why don't you go find one of those crypts you like so much!"  
  
"Shut up, Angel!" I shouted and then started to plead, "shut up, if only for a minute and then I'll be gone." He nodded and looked worried, did he know what I meant? Did he care that this was my last night on earth? "You asked me to stay tonight. To not go to Europe. Did you want me here to fight? Or. . . Did you ever care about me, Angelus? Did you ever, even just for a minute, give something resembling a damn about me? Answer me, it's all I need to know before I go."  
  
He looked stunned and he started ask his own question, "You aren't planning on-"  
  
"We aren't talking about a trip to France, Angel!" I shouted. "Look, just answer the bloody question!"  
  
"You'll go to hell, Spike. Why do that?"  
  
"There are many levels of hell, Angel, this place is most likely worse than whatever is waiting for me. I don't have your prophecy, I don't have redemption and I don't care for it."  
  
"The prophecy could be about you!" He sounded desperate to find a reason for me to stay.  
  
I laughed, "Stop stalling and answer the question."  
  
"Spike," he said slowly and that was enough.  
  
I laughed again, "Ya know, at one point I managed to convince myself that I was your golden prince just as Dru was your dark princess. But I could have been anyone. I was an easy fuck and cheap entertainment. I was a pretty face with a tractable spirit. And I would have done anything for you. I would have licked your boots if you had willed it."  
  
"Spike," Angel tried to cut me off but I kept talking.  
  
"I was right earlier wasn't I? You hate me because you know that every act I committed was because you whispered to me about it, in that sibilant whisper that I would have done anything for. All the blood is on your hands. Or do you hate me because you never loved me while I worshiped you? Is it that you dislike that I could love without a soul while you were nothing but evil? Does that upset you? I loved you so much, love you still." I started to walk to the door, "Goodbye, my Angelus, I hope the whole becoming human thing works out."  
  
"Spike? Do I ever get to talk?" I turned back to him slowly and tried to clear my eyes of the tears I tried to tell myself weren't falling. I didn't want to cry over the wanker. "I loved you more than the entire world. It made me feel weak and human and I hated it. And it never ceased to amaze me that you could love me so much and yet still be so beautifully vicious. So I made you feel used because then I could kid myself into believing I didn't feel it. Every time I looked in your eyes I saw pain, and love, and hope and it just served to disgust me further, not because of you but because of me. I never thought less of you because of your ability love, you were my golden prince. It was my own reaction that I viewed as being somehow wrong."  
  
Smiling I said, "Thank you, Angel." And I started to leave again with a smile on my face. Angelus had loved me, and now I could feel some peace for my sire.  
  
"Where are you going?" he asked sounding genuinely confused.  
  
"I thought we were clear on how this night would end." I didn't turn back to him. "I just wanted clarity, nothing more."  
  
"After all I said you're still going to leave me here in the belly of the beast alone?" He sounded so hurt.  
  
Deeply confused I said, "You have your humans."  
  
"I *want* my childe."  
  
I turned slowly, still smiling and asked warily, "Angel? . . . Are you *still* in love with me?" I couldn't believe it, I thought it was over, forever. But maybe. . .  
  
"I never stopped." I felt my jaw gape. "It nearly killed me leaving you, but I was crazy with guilt. And then you turn up in Sunnydale with Dru and I thought that you didn't love me, and I wanted you to be happy even if that meant letting Drusilla keep you."  
  
"We're idiots."  
  
"Yes," Angel agreed with a nod.  
  
"What happens now?" I asked hoping the quiver in my voice was only in my head.  
  
"Come here." He motioned over to the bed and I went a stood next to him. He snagged my wrist and pulled me under the covers. "You sleep off your drunken tiredness and I make love to you in the morning to overcome the hangover."  
  
I cuddled into his shoulder, "Goodnight, Sire."  
  
"Yes, it certainly has been, Childe," He carded his fingers through my hair, ". . . except for the bulk of it wherein you were planning on topping yourself."  
  
I couldn't help but smirk. 


End file.
